When I was 11 years old I asked my mom if I could start saying the word “crap”.
I’ve always been a pessimist and I needed to be able to express myself verbally without fear of being reprimanded. I needed to talk about all the crap that was going on in my prepubescent life and to do that successfully I needed to be able to use the word “crap”.
So I asked my mother to which she reluctantly said, “Okay.”
With one naughty word in my arsenal, I decided to test the limits with my mom and asked if I could use the word “piss”.
“Why would you even need to use that word?”
“Have you met me? I’m always pissed.”
I’m pretty convinced I hopped out of the womb with my middle finger up and my bitch face on full force.
Growing up I really struggled to get my anger under control but eventually I managed to turn my constant rage into a sassy (and somewhat depressive) personality.
My glass will always be half empty and I’ll always notice the rain clouds before I see the rainbow.
I’m not miserable. I smile and I laugh and honestly, my negativity fuels my sense of humor.
But there are a few things that happen on this planet that just really piss me off. Small things that shouldn’t even bother me as much as they do but they just make me want to punt small children.
1. 10 Second Snapchats:
The glorious and beautiful thing about Snapchat is that the pictures go away forever after a certain amount of time. This means I can send pictures of my triple chins to everyone in my contact list but then after 3 seconds, POOF! They’re gone forever!
Now…when I get a Snapchat that is TEN. SECONDS. LONG. I want to throw my phone against a wall. Because the ten second pictures aren’t triple chins or even dick pics. They’re selfies. They’re pictures of your dog. They’re pictures of your knees at the pool. I don’t mind these photos but I do mind them taking up 10 seconds of my day. I realize that I don’t have to stare at this app for the entire 10 seconds but that’s beside the point…the point is that people think their selfie is worthy of ten seconds when lesbihonest…it’s probably not worth five.
Okay, let me rephrase. Netflix is life. Netlfix is bae. But CHOOSING what to watch on Netflix is the bane of my existence.
I swear to Christ that 98% of the time I spend on Netflix (which is 98% of my day…) is spent deciding on what to watch…I mean, there’s so many options that I get overwhelmed. What if I choose the wrong thing and I waste my time watching something stupid when I could be watching something amazing??? My mild/illegitimate case of OCD causes me to flip through every genre and look at every option until finally I settle on something I’ve already watched to the point of memorization. I don’t know if I’m pissed at Netflix for having too many options or if I’m pissed at myself for being too damn picky and indecisive. It’s a struggle I’m still battling through.
Is there anything more frustrating in this world than this?
I can’t imagine being a man and having to shave my face every day because I can hardly keep up with shaving my legs. I find myself craving the cold winter months because that means I can wear pants and let my leg hair grow free. I’m not proud of this but shit…it’s fucking awful. I don’t know if I just missed this lesson in life but I can’t shave my legs standing up in the shower. I have to sit down and do it which is a pain in the ass because by the time I’m finished, it’s pretty hard for me to find the will to stand back up, so I remain on the floor of my shower until I start inhaling water. Also, no one ever taught me how to shave my god damn knees so I always end up either cutting myself or missing a big patch of hair on my knees. So if you ever find yourself with the opportunity to touch my knees, you might want to reconsider because you’ll probably throw up in your mouth a little bit.
Or am I?
On top of all of this, we ladies have to shave our bikini area which is murder.
Armpits. Kill me.
And any other awkwardly hairy places you may possess.
Beauty is pain and I’m pissed about it.
4. Walmart Check Out Lanes:
Have you ever noticed how Walmart possesses about 30 check out lanes except only 5 of them are open? Not only are five of them open but the lines are ridiculously long. I’m talking 25 minute wait times. Walmart KNOWS they’re a successful business. Walmart at 7:00pm is hoppin’ and they know it. It’s not a fucking surprise. And I know they’ve got a shit ton of employees so why don’t they schedule them and speed up this god damn process? I’m in a hurry because I’ve got to decide what I want to watch on Netflix. Give me a blue vest and I’ll check myself out (and don’t talk to me about self check out because you and your mother know that line is always the longest).
5. Harry Potter Basics:
You’re a Harry Potter Basic (HPB) if you say you LOOOOOOVE Harry Potter and you haven’t read the books. I’m sorry but that’s just what you are. You can call yourself a Harry Potter fan. Go right ahead. But until you’ve read those books you’re BASIC and you piss me off. I love the Lord of the Rings movies. I do. Do you see me going around talking about Lord of the Rings all of the time like they’re my lord and savior? No because I haven’t read the books and I’m not basic. I accept my place in the fandom which is at the muthafukkin’ BOTTOM. I don’t care if people haven’t read the Harry Potter books. Some people don’t have souls. Some people have no taste. Some people just don’t like to read. What ever the reasoning behind your madness may be, do you. But don’t come up to me acting like you know what it’s like to feel the feelings I feel when I think about Hogwarts. You don’t know. So just…leave.
Alright. Whew. It feels good to get some of that off of my chest. Honestly right now I’m feeling a little sassy because I’m on my period which is ANOTHER thing that pisses me off but let’s just skip that one, shall we?
I’m sure you’re thinking all of these things are petty and avoidable but you know what? You’re petty and avoidable and I hate you.
Just kidding. You’re #flawless and I love you.
Especially if you’ve read all the way up to this point. You must think I’m special or at least decently entertaining which doesn’t say much for your sanity, but either way, I thank you.
Also, apologies for taking so long to post. I promise not to take another month to post the next one. Thanks for sticking with me.
Until next time.