I slept in a bed this weekend. Two nights in a row. The room was freezing cold but I covered myself in three different blankets and fell asleep with a smile on my face. I woke up to friends poking … Continue reading
I have never been the type of girl that feels the need to be in a relationship. I know people that jump from boyfriend to boyfriend and it boggles my mind. Not only do I not understand how they can be emotionally ready for another relationship that soon after the previous one ended but I seriously don’t get where these guys come from?? It’s a personal victory each time I can get a guy to ask for my phone number…
I haven’t been in a serious relationship since I was in high school and looking back, it wasn’t that serious. I’ve had flings here and there and even fallen in love since then, but I haven’t actually had a boyfriend since my first one. I just don’t get how so many girls can just get guys to commit while the most I’m getting is a guy trying to sext me while I’m eating spaghetti and watching Pretty Little Liars.
1. You Become Too Comfortable with Your Loneliness:
When a cute boy texts you and says, “Hey what are you up to?” and you reply with, “I’m eating my body weight in chocolate ice cream and watching makeup tutorial videos.”, you’ve probably been single for a few minutes. I have found that I have lost my filter when it comes to making people think I’m sexier than I am. When you’ve been single for an extended period of time, it’s easy to forget that maybe that cute boy doesn’t want to know that you just found Chef Boyardee sauce on your forearm from hours earlier.
2. No Ones Asks You for Relationship Advice:
I used to be overwhelmed by the amount of relationship advice people asked of me when I was dating my ex. I was the go-to gal for shitty relationships. Now I can’t remember the last time someone asked me for any type of relationship advice. If someone starts to bring something up, I get all weird and try to bullshit some answer to make it sound like I know what they’re going through but I guess starting off by saying “Yeah that reminds me of when I had a boyfriend 2 years ago…,” that sort of invalidates my opinion. I just don’t know what I’m talking about anymore.
3. You Can No Longer Relate to Taylor Swift:
This is probably the most positive outcome from being single for too long but Taylor Swift just used to GET me, you know? She just knew what being in love felt like and she just knew how it felt when boys were just being SO stupid~~~
I find myself listening to T-Swift and being confused. I don’t know what she’s talking about and I don’t feel her feelings anymore.
“Why can’t you see that you belong with me?”
Sorry, Taylor, but if you’re not singing about getting felt up in an ally or drinking apple juice straight from the jug, I don’t want to hear it.
4. You Question Yourself:
I’m ugly. I’m fat. I smell bad and I have the personality of a cardboard box. No one likes me and I don’t like myself. I’m going to die alone. I’m going to kill myself.
Okay, no. That’s NOT true. I’m not the most confident bitch on the block, but I’ve come to realize that I’m a lot cooler than I give myself credit for. I have days where I think I look a little chubbier than I would like and days where my skin is so bad I’m jealous of the Before pictures on the Proactiv commercials. It might take some getting used to, but eventually you will learn that your happiness and self worth is not defined by your relationship status. You don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make you feel as if you’re worth something. Stop questioning yourself because you aren’t going to like the answers you receive and eventually you’ll start going down a dark path of self doubt and begin questioning things like your sexuality and identity.
“Hmm, boys don’t like me. Maybe I’ll date a girl. I could be into boobs.”
But then you realize girls don’t want to date you either and then you’re back where you started with double the rejection. So just love yourself and be patient.
5. The Idea of a Date Makes You Want to Die:
I’ve been asked on plenty of dates within the year. I’m not a troll and I know how to have fun and I have a lot in common with a lot of different people so I’m not saying that no one wants to date me, it’s just I don’t know how to date anymore. The idea of going out on a date is enough to make me bite my nails down to the bone and drown in a pool of my own sweat. I’m just disgustingly awkward and maybe I’m alone on this one but I just can’t imagine going on a date with someone and having them leave thinking “yeah this girl is what I want.” I’ve been alone for so long that I literally can’t carry on a normal conversation without bringing up awkward stories about that one time I pissed my pants or how my mom asks me for alcohol. This brings me back to the filter thing. I don’t possess one and it’s becoming a major cock block.
Dating is a two way street. You have to put yourself out there and hope someone thinks your psychotic tendencies are charming and your ability to eat an entire pizza by yourself is a necessary quality in a mate. Maybe being single for so long has given me the life lesson to always be myself and to wait for the person that is going to love me for me rather than pretending to be a sexy goddess that farts glitter and eats lettuce leaves until it’s too late and I’ve trapped them. Or maybe I’m just destined to spend the rest of my days throwing Ramen Noodles at my computer screen when the cute boy kisses the quirky girl in that romantic comedy I’ve watched too many times. Either way, I’m pretty content in my loneliness but I still find myself preferring someone to sleep with rather than a stuffed animal given to me by a man that only gives me the time of day when it’s convenient for him.
For all of you kiddos out there that are falling asleep with your significant others, take a moment and kiss them on the forehead and say, “Thank God I have you because I could be sitting at home writing a blog about being alone.” And if you’re single, I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors because no one likes a thirsty hoe but let me tell you, when all you’ve been drinking for the past two years is Mountain Dew, sometimes all you want is a glass of water.
Now is the time to be alive. We have unlimited access to all sorts of information just by getting on our phones or computers. I can tell you the capital of Fiji in a matter of seconds (Siri just informed me it’s Suva with a population of 88, 271). I’m an internetaholic. If I’m not on my phone, I’m on my laptop. I don’t know what it is but ever since I got my laptop, I’ve been glued to it. I know there are a lot of mixed opinions about my generation being too dependent on technology but I think I’m better off being addicted to tumblr rather than crack cocaine, but then again, I’ve never tried crack cocaine so maybe I don’t know what I’m missing.
There’s a buzz going around the social media world. It’s a little app called Tinder. I know you’ve heard about it because it’s funny and depressing and a little frightening. Basically, it’s a “dating” app that you download onto your phone and it matches you with people in your area. It’s anonymous until you and another person have both “liked” each other and then you are notified and you have the option of messaging each other. Cute idea, right?
First off, I’m not going to defend why I downloaded this app. I could sit here and try and tell you that I downloaded it because I think it’s funny and I like to laugh at everyone on there. I could tell you that I like it when people tell me I’m pretty and they want to do me or that I truly feel like I could meet my soulmate via Tinder. Believe what you will.
Let me share with you some of my Tinder experiences:
“If you don’t call your group of friends the Funky Bunch I will be severely upset.”
“Nice tits. I mean smile.”
“You and I’d make some sexy babies, Marki.”
“Will you be my girlfriend?”
And here’s a real winner:
“Sorry I’m going to be a complete ass, but I’m not interested in dating. But I’d love to just go down on you for a few hours.”
………………I guess I appreciate his cut-to-the-chase attitude, but no thank you.
Anyways, you get the idea of the sort of shit that goes on this thing.
So today, like most days, I got bored and started flipping through the fellas and I’m seeing the typical pictures which consist of group fraternity photos, mirror selfies and dramatic sideshots of bearded men playing the guitar.
And then I see it.
Or rather, it sees me.
Staring at me.
And not just any penis…a small, flaccid penis. Pubes included.
I did not invite this penis into my life. I did not ask for it to present itself to me. I did not ask for this. I did not.
I could say “there’s a time and a place” but I’m sorry…I don’t think there is a time and a place for dick pics. I don’t want to see a picture of anyone’s penis. Ever.
Sexting is a thing people do. I’m aware of this trend. I’m not against it. Sexy texts? Okay cool whatever.
Maybe it’s just me, but there is nothing visually appealing about a penis to me. I don’t want to see it on my phone. If it’s in front of me, that’s a different story. I’ll make eye contact with it. But when I’m flipping through my phone casually and a flaccid dick pops up, I’m going to be a little upset.
Now if you’re into that sort of thing and you’re texting some dude and you say “hey bby lemme see that dick” and he sends you a private photo, do your thing. Go to town. I actually received a dick pic for the first time recently and I literally didn’t know what I was supposed to do with it…like, thanks for showing me your penis, how was your day???
Maybe I’m just awkward and naïve but I just can’t with dick pics.
Moral of the story is don’t put your penis as your profile picture on a phone app. Please.
Because now instead of seeing beards and guitars, all I can see is a tiny floppy wiener. My eyes are burning and I’m afraid to pick up my phone because with shit like that, virtual STDs are going to become a reality.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this because it’s basically an app for people to hook up with each other but I figured everyone was going to be a little more subtle about it.
Be careful out there, ya’ll.
A flaccid penis might just get you next.