Tinder’d: It Could Happen to You

Now is the time to be alive. We have unlimited access to all sorts of information just by getting on our phones or computers. I can tell you the capital of Fiji in a matter of seconds (Siri just informed me it’s Suva with a population of 88, 271). I’m an internetaholic. If I’m not on my phone, I’m on my laptop. I don’t know what it is but ever since I got my laptop, I’ve been glued to it. I know there are a lot of mixed opinions about my generation being too dependent on technology but I think I’m better off being addicted to tumblr rather than crack cocaine, but then again, I’ve never tried crack cocaine so maybe I don’t know what I’m missing.

There’s a buzz going around the social media world. It’s a little app called Tinder. I know you’ve heard about it because it’s funny and depressing and a little frightening. Basically, it’s a “dating” app that you download onto your phone and it matches you with people in your area. It’s anonymous until you and another person have both “liked” each other and then you are notified and you have the option of messaging each other. Cute idea, right?


First off, I’m not going to defend why I downloaded this app. I could sit here and try and tell you that I downloaded it because I think it’s funny and I like to laugh at everyone on there. I could tell you that I like it when people tell me I’m pretty and they want to do me or that I truly feel like I could meet my soulmate via Tinder. Believe what you will.

Let me share with you some of my Tinder experiences:

“If you don’t call your group of friends the Funky Bunch I will be severely upset.”

“Nice tits. I mean smile.”

“You and I’d make some sexy babies, Marki.”

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

And here’s a real winner:

“Sorry I’m going to be a complete ass, but I’m not interested in dating. But I’d love to just go down on you for a few hours.”

………………I guess I appreciate his cut-to-the-chase attitude, but no thank you.

Anyways, you get the idea of the sort of shit that goes on this thing.

So today, like most days, I got bored and started flipping through the fellas and I’m seeing the typical pictures which consist of group fraternity photos, mirror selfies and dramatic sideshots of bearded men playing the guitar.

And then I see it.

Or rather, it sees me.

A penis.
Staring at me.

And not just any penis…a small, flaccid penis. Pubes included.

I did not invite this penis into my life. I did not ask for it to present itself to me. I did not ask for this. I did not.

I could say “there’s a time and a place” but I’m sorry…I don’t think there is a time and a place for dick pics. I don’t want to see a picture of anyone’s penis. Ever.

Sexting is a thing people do. I’m aware of this trend. I’m not against it. Sexy texts? Okay cool whatever.
Maybe it’s just me, but there is nothing visually appealing about a penis to me. I don’t want to see it on my phone. If it’s in front of me, that’s a different story. I’ll make eye contact with it. But when I’m flipping through my phone casually and a flaccid dick pops up, I’m going to be a little upset.

Now if you’re into that sort of thing and you’re texting some dude and you say “hey bby lemme see that dick” and he sends you a private photo, do your thing. Go to town. I actually received a dick pic for the first time recently and I literally didn’t know what I was supposed to do with it…like, thanks for showing me your penis, how was your day???

Maybe I’m just awkward and naïve but I just can’t with dick pics.

Moral of the story is don’t put your penis as your profile picture on a phone app. Please.

Because now instead of seeing beards and guitars, all I can see is a tiny floppy wiener. My eyes are burning and I’m afraid to pick up my phone because with shit like that, virtual STDs are going to become a reality.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this because it’s basically an app for people to hook up with each other but I figured everyone was going to be a little more subtle about it.

Be careful out there, ya’ll.

A flaccid penis might just get you next.

Bye, beeshes.